Stream of Consciousness

In the 18 years since I earned my degree in writing, I don't believe I've felt so compelled to write as I do today. I see myself in a very unique position connected to what I would consider a Texas conservative community, and yet very much still me.

Who am I? I am so many things. I am Northern; East Coast; Libertarian; Christ-saved; huge-hearted; introverted; open-minded; devil's advocate (ask anyone, I'll always argue the other side just to continue a debate); intellectually stimulated; inward-thinking; family-loving; nature-craving; strong-willed; woman. I am very much aware, especially in the last week, that I am also white. I am. I am white. I can hear some people, "what does that matter? Skin color doesn't matter" and "I don't see color." Bullshit. I call bullshit. Every seeing person sees skin color, or a difference in it.

See, that's not what's important. Seeing it isn't important, it's about what you do next. Right? Does seeing a black person have a different affect on you? Do you change sides of the street? Avoid eye contact? Treat someone differently? I argue yes, you do.

If you are one of the oh, so many, who I've seen posting about riots and looting then you certainly do. Tell me this, when the protests for states to reopen began and groups were angry, violent in some cases, were you posting about how unnecessary their behavior was? About how you didn't know what they expected to accomplish? No? Why? I can't answer that for you. Perhaps it was because you agreed with their cause. Perhaps it was because it didn't bother you in that particular circumstance. Perhaps, you say, it's because this case is so much worse. Really? Tell me about it.

Tell me about how you know this is uncalled for. How you know it's tragic what happened to George Floyd but... But? Seriously? But?!! But destroying businesses... But all police aren't criminal... But we don't know the whole story...

Who are you kidding? We know this story. We see it time and time again. It's systematic. It's so freakin rigged. I can't tell you why because it makes no sense to me. But I can see it plain as day. When we can watch video footage of a white woman in a park threatening a black man with calling the police because she knows what that could mean for him, it's very, very clearly rigged.

But so many don't want to see it. They'd rather live in their own fairy-lands, oblivious and #blessed. I've never lived in that place exactly, but it's safe to say I've chosen to remain silent in the past and for this I am truly regretful. I was never blind to what has been happening around the country. I am candid in my home about my thoughts, my children know how strongly I oppose these injustices when they are reported on the news. It's heart-wrenching and gut-punching. I cry. They cry. And then our lives go on. Why? I guess, simply put, because they can. Because I don't have to live my life giving any of it another thought, until the next tragic news story. See, my privilege allows me this luxury. The luxury of not worrying about my boys playing in the park or riding their bikes through our neighborhood. Of not worrying when my husband has to run out after dark or when we get pulled over in the car.

I can't do it anymore though, be silent. Before, I didn't want to "stir the pot," cause trouble, risk problems with a job. I'm sure there were probably a hundred other "reasons" in my head each and every time. This week they've all melted away. No more excuses. I'm going to talk, question, write, post, stand, protest, learn, share, weep, and mourn because it's what's right. It's right to say "what can I do?" It's right to say out loud "this is WRONG." Public opinion be damned. If my "public" thinks less of me for taking a stand here, then I'm in the wrong damn public!

It's time to open our eyes. This is not about politics; it's not about making sure Trump doesn't get re-elected (good gosh if I hear that again...); it's about humans. Humans in our human family who are hurting. Dying. Crying out - see us! Hear us! Help us! Love us! When you see all the protests around the country, please don't look down your nose with disgust and disdain. Look with love, reach out with compassion and speak with kindness. Tap into that #livebygrace or #givemeJesus pallet sign on your wall. Yep.

Think about what someone else might be going through. Because I can assure you their journey has probably been much different from yours. Think about what that "last straw" might be that would break you, push you beyond what you would have thought yourself capable of. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a world-renowned, beloved man known for promoting peaceful protest, said "We've got to see that a riot is the language of the unheard. And, what is it that America has failed to hear?"

I want to urge everyone - see. See each other in this human family of ours. See with your heart. See with your soul. See that we are all an epic unto ourselves; a lifelong journey filled with one experience upon another. A tapestry woven with threads from each person and encounter along the way. Some threads will be bright and bold, while others will be dark and heavy. But all of them together make us beautiful. Both broken and yet whole because of it. Lean in to it - those threads that make us different. Seek. Ask. Learn. Accept. Love. Only in those moments, where we choose to love what we see because of what makes us different, and yet the same, can we truly embrace. And then begin healing. Healing each other and our communities. Healing our human family.